Momsters

I speak to you from personal experience, yes, I too have suffered the dreadful attack of the MONSTERS. The first time memory serves me was on my very own school playground, a place where all boys and girls should feel safe. But little did I know, no nine year old can escape from the MONSTERS clutches. It was a bright sunny morning, no clouds were looming overhead but there was danger in the air. As my mother and I walked onto the playground everything appeared to be normal, but then the unexpected happened. Right there in front of all my classmates, my mom puckered up and planted a big slobbery smooch right smack dab on my lips. I stood there stunned in total disbelief that she could do that and smile as she turned to walk away and said, "Bye sweetie pie, I love you!"

Some time had passed before the next incident, so it caught me totally off guard. At least this time it was not in front of a lot of people that I knew, so my blushing was only a light of shade of red instead of the usual dark red. However I still feel that it was significant enough to mention. Again I was with, guess who? You got it, my mom. We were shopping for clothes and had just finished a rather lengthy conversation about the fact that I was now old enough to wear boxer briefs. She had given in and I quickly picked out two packs. Of course I hid them under some other items in our shopping cart so no one would see them while we finished our shopping. Once we got to the check out line I thought I was free and clear when suddenly I recognized the voices behind us and turned around to see my best friend, who just happens to be, a girl. There were still two people with carts in front of us so I knew we were going to be there for awhile. I glanced at their carts and when I saw how full they were I just wanted to burst out screaming because I knew there was potential for the MONSTERS to strike. Everything was going smoothly until my friend's mom asked if we had found any good bargains and that's when it happened. In the blink of an eye and much to my horror my mother produced both packs of my boxer briefs. As if that weren't enough she announced loud enough for everyone in the store to hear, "What a bargain, $3.99 for six pairs of undies." I broke out in chills because I knew it wasn't over. She glanced down at me and for a brief, (no pun intended) moment I thought she sensed my fear. Then she did it, she broke into a "I remember when story..." I tried to hide in the safety of my coat as she continued with "It seems like yesterday that he was wearing little Toy Story undies that cost only $2.99 a pack and toddling around the house with that cute little Buzz Lightyear on his bottom." There was no place to hide so I created a distraction by knocking over an entire display of candy bars. While we are all busy picking them up of course she had to go in for the final kill when she looked longingly at me and said, "Oh, my little baby is now in boxer briefs, how I love you so."

After the last incident the attacks seemed to come more frequently. The one I'm about to describe could be disturbing to some young readers. Parental guidance is suggested.

Even in the most public of places there is no refuge from the MONSTERS. I thought that while enjoying a quiet dinner in a nice restaurant with my Grandma the MONSTERS would give me a break. Well, I thought wrong. If anything it was much worse because it dawned on me where the MONSTERS originated. This is what happened. I was seated between my mom and my Grandma. The evening was going well with pizza, chocolate milk and much laughter. Our waitress was, well how should I say this, VERY BEAUTIFUL! She had winked at me each time she filled up my glass with chocolate milk and I felt a real relationship developing between the two of us. It was time to order the final course of strawberry sundaes, topped off with crushed Oreos, extra cool whip and a cherry. It was, ummm, ummm, good! So good that I hadn't noticed the cool whip on the tip of my nose. I had just finished the last bite as I caught a glimpse of our waitress across the crowded restaurant. She was smiling at me as she headed for our table and that's when it happened. Without warning, I found the tip of my nose wrapped in the lips of my mother's smoochee kiss as she slurped the cool whip off of my nose right in front of our waitress and everybody. I was mortified and couldn't believe that she could smile as she said, "Cool whip kisses are as sweet as you my little pumpkin pie."

The next attack I am going to describe can only be referred to as devastating. We had gone to our neighbor's house for an Easter egg hunt. Oh, remember my best friend that I mentioned earlier? Well, it's her house that we went to. You may have figured out by now, I'm kind of sweet on her. Anyway on with the story. Before we had even left our house the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up like those on the back of a frightened cat. A sure sign that danger was near. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I was in danger when my Mom insisted we carry matching Easter baskets for the hunt. All the eggs had been hidden before our arrival. The hunt had taken place without incident. (So far). All the parents, grandparents and children of the neighborhood had gathered around to watch the finalist duke it out for the last egg. There was one golden one left. My mom and I had made it into the final round. The search had become grueling under the warm spring sun. Just as I was about to abandon all hope, my eyes caught a glimpse of something shiny in the weeds just beyond my neighbor's grass line. I quickly turned my head in the opposite direction as to not attract any unwanted attention to the area where the egg was. As I did that my eyes locked on my mom's. I realized she had seen the egg too and was headed in the same direction that I was. We both glanced at the egg, then back at each other, then back at the egg and once again back at each other. At the same time we both yelled, "Charge!" and the race was on. As we both bounded forward I knew it would be a fight to the finish. At the exact same moment we both slid through the grass on our bellies reaching for the egg at the same time. Our hands touched the egg at the exact same moment yet I was quick enough to stand up as the winner of the hunt, well, until you guessed it, the MONSTERS appeared. Before I could scream "Uncle" we were a round of tickles that left my sides aching and a smushed melted chocolate egg that was wrapped in gold foil smeared all over the front of my shirt. Just as I was escaping from the MONSTERS clutches I realized the entire neighborhood was watching us. I felt nauseated when I saw the faces of all the people who lived on our block as my mom announced, "Oh, look at my baby boy as sweet as a chocolate bunny!" I felt dizzy and the world around me was going black. From that point on everything was a blur.

The latest attack and last one I will report to you now has made me see the MONSTERS in a whole new light. It happened at the city pool. Summer was coming to an end and everyone in the entire city was there. Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration but it sure felt like everyone in the city was there. My mom had taken my sister and me to the pool for a day of fun and sun. I was feeling good about my diving skills and was ready to show them off. The lifeguard could only be described as an angel from heaven. As I was preparing for my dive I glanced to my left and noticed the lifeguard staring at me. She was a vision of beauty. The sunlight shining behind her cast a glow on her golden locks that make it look like she had a halo. She nodded to me to indicate that the coast was clear and she was ready for me to impress her with my physical ability. I took a deep breath, put my shoulders back and headed down the slick runway called a diving board. Just as I was about to leap into the air, (Wait, I bet you can guess what I'm about to say, can't you?) Yes it's true, the MONSTERS struck, but this time was different than all the others. I could feel myself slipping and I knew that I would surely hit my head on the diving board when all of the sudden, SWOOP! Before I had a chance to even see what happened, I was being helped up the pool ladder by my mom. She had seen me slipping and jumped from the side of the pool to snatch me from the jaws of real danger. The lifeguard and my mom were looking me over for any bumps or scrapes and I was feeling pretty lucky to be alive. That's when my mom reached into her swim bag and produced a big yellow inflatable ducky swim ring and said, "I remember when you wouldn't go near the diving board without this on." Just as I was about to say, "OH MOM!" she tossed it over her shoulder and said, "It sure is a good thing you were grown up enough and don't need this old ducky anymore and were in that pool to save my life today when I fell into the water. Thank you honey." The lifeguard patted me on the back and everyone thought I was the hero. From that point on the attack of the MOMSTERS, oops, I mean MONSTERS, seemed to be less difficult to deal with. So tonight, nine-year-olds across the nation can sleep easier. If you are ten though, keep one eye open when you go to sleep tonight and beware of the GHOST (Girls, Hunting, Out, Sweet, Ten, {year olds}).